Written Coaching

Question: 1. What if your week doesn't suck? I think that is possible. I am open to that. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But it feels like it might because they usually do. 2. So what if your week does suck? Well then I guess it'll just be like it has been. I guess it also means that I am thinking thoughts that make it suck or that make me have negative feelings. I think that if I expect it to, then maybe I'll be surprised. 3. What does it look like when a week sucks? I think it really means that I lose a lot of sleep. I wrote a lot of things originally, but then realized that those things don't really suck-they're just part of work every day. I think if I lose a lot of sleep and don't get to see my kids and don't have downtime to myself then it sucks. 4.  How can you make your experience of your time off better? I can plan to rest in my time off. I can say no to specialing patients to really have time off. I can turn off my pager and leave work at work. I need to focus on being present with myself and my family when I am off.

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Answer:  I think you are gaining some good awareness about what "it sucks" looks like for you. It looks like the real things that sucks is when you don't get to do the things for yourself to rest and recharge the way you need to. I want you to also realize that if you have the thought that something sucks, that will be the result you create. For example:

• C: At work today
• T: This shift sucks.
• F:  Annoyed
• A: Find all the negatives at work with the nurses, the patients, the EMR, etc. Focus on the bad. Complain.
• R: My experience of the shift is that it sucks.

When I am annoyed (from choosing to think the thought that "This shift sucks") I will find all of the negatives and focus on them. I am not going to enjoy the day. These actions create my result of experiencing a day full of suck. It's not because I'm at work. It's not because of the nurses, patients, etc...It's because of my thought "This shift sucks." How do you want the week to go for you? What actions would you need to take for that to happen? How would you have to feel to take those actions?  What feeling would drive those actions?  What thoughts might help you feel that way about this week?   You've got this! ❤❤❤

Question:  Sundays are my worst day. I spend the day trying to get the house ready for the week and basically fretting about how much the week will suck or what will happen. I don't sleep well. I try to control everything via cleaning, but end up not getting much done. I don't enjoy my family or my down time. It just feels awful. I tried to fill out this model:

• C: Sunday before work week
• T: This week is going to suck
• F: anxiety
• A: clean but don't get much done, yell at kids, worry, don't sleep well
• R: ????

Answer: Great job at starting this model! Sundays are a common time for us to feel this way, but it is always due to the way we are thinking! You are feeling anxiety, not because of the work week (in your C line) but because of the thought "This week is going to suck". That thought is also leading you to take those actions, and the result you create with those actions by thinking "This week is going to suck" is that your day off sucks. Can you see that? What if your week doesn't suck? So what if your week does suck? What does it look like when a week sucks? How can you make your experience of your time off better? Answer these questions and bring this back! ❤/Amanda

Question:  Do we have to have the homework done before our 1:1? I haven't had time 🙁
Answer:   No, of course not! Life happens and that is totally ok. I want you to get to the homework as you can. Maybe even brainstorm a list of 5 ways you can get it done in a time frame that YOU would like. No beating yourself up! No self-criticizing! No self-shaming!  You are kicking ass for being here, and kudos for writing in to ask, as I am sure there are several more members worried about the same! You've got this sister!

Diet, exercise, and weight loss: My diet is not horrible but I think it could be better. I workout with a trainer 2 days a week. I have a peloton bike but I haven’t been using it regularly. I need to lose 10-15 lbs. I know you mentioned no sugar or flour on a previous talk. I would like to know your diet and exercise method over this last week.

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Answer: 

• So often when we are carrying extra weight it is because we are using food or alcohol to cope with our emotions and buffering with these things. There are certain things that give our brains a "boost" so we don't have to feel our icky emotions, like flour, sugar and alcohol. These give us dopamine so we can feel better. Being overweight comes from over desire, over hunger and overeating/over-drinking. When we feel a negative emotion, it will often lead to emotional hunger (not real physical hunger) and this over-desire for food or alcohol that drives us to eat something or drink something.
• If this sounds familiar or resonates with you, you might consider making a plan for how you want to eat/drink to decrease this over desire/buffering your emotions with food and alcohol. By eliminating  concentrated pleasures (flour, sugar, alcohol) from our diet, we can tune in to our true, physical hunger easier. So step 1 is to eliminate flour, sugar and alcohol from our diets. When we do this and focus on the natural pleasures in life, our brain will re-wire to realize those things aren't as important as what we thought. Step 2 is to make a plan for what you will eat and drink the next day, then follow it. It doesn't have to be strict, it needs to be realistic to what you think you will follow. You need to start building the trust and relationship with yourself in knowing that you will do what you say you are going to do. (Look at the Buffering Module for more guidance).  There's no need to track points, calories, macros, carbs, etc. That adds brain drama. When you eat, focus on eating until you are satisfied, but not stuffed (i.e. you could take a brisk walk around the block after dinner no problem).
• Exercise is good for our bodies, but research shows it is heart healthy but does not lead to long term weight loss (which is why all The Biggest Losers gain it back...they didn't work on their emotional eating), so I recommend moving your body in a kind way that makes you happy. Not as a punishment for calories eaten. FYI-I've had some clients that notice they have a lot more urges to overeat if they are exercising a lot.

So:

Earlier this week I had a terrible, unpredictable outcome. We thought everything was fine until after delivery, and then it wasn't. I don't want to put details here because I might get sued. I feel so terrible and am just reliving and questioning everything and spinning out and feel numb. I ate a ton of ice cream and snacks with wine last night and felt terrible. I can't face clinic today.  I don't know how to move past this personally and professionally.

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Answer:  Hang in there Sister. ❤❤❤❤

• The first steps I want you to do are to consider taking a day or two off and really processing this. The Processing Pain worksheet and The Worst That Can Happen Worksheet (in the feelings module) may be helpful to you. You need to sit with the negative feelings you have, invite them in and allow them to be there. It sounds like you were probably trying to avoid them by buffering with the ice cream and snacks and wine. The feelings need to be processed here. I also recommend setting a timer and allowing yourself to cry and feel all the things that are coming up for a few minutes. Get to the bottom of what you are feeling and let it be there. Breathe it in and allow it. It is much easier to allow the emotion than to resist it (it gets stronger) or buffer it away (it finds you later and you gain weight in the mean time).
• I've recently put up a new Complications Module in the BONUS section, so go check that out and let me know how it goes.
• I want you to be there for yourself like you would a good friend or a sister. Don't talk down to yourself and beat yourself up. Treat yourself with love and kindness to get through this.
• And definitely bring this to your 1:1 session.

Let me know how it goes. I'm sending hugs and love your way. ❤/Amanda

Ok. So a little update. I’ve settled into my new routine of staying in my office and focusing on my patients. It doesn’t make me happy but I survive the day. I’m sleeping better. I’m on call this weekend. I feel neutral about this. I have my monthly meeting with admin, office manager and partners on Tuesday. Not excited.

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Answer:  Ok, here are some questions to get you thinking creatively and in a solutions focused place:

I'm having issues being ok with my husband's spending. He isn't working right now, and before that he didn't earn much, so it's not a huge decrease in income, but I worry about his spending. He recently paid a contractor to perform some projects around our house that are going to cost $16,000 without even asking me. It makes me feel bad because I know he is just trying to take care of the house and such, but that is a lot of money that we didn't even discuss. Then I start looking at other places he spends money and I worry that we will never save for retirement or our kids or pay off my student loans. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets frustrated and wants to avoid the conversation. He should have talked to me. That's too much. I would have wanted to spend that money somewhere else. I am also pissed because I never spend money! I just work all the time and he goes and spends 16k on landscaping. How can I be in a loving relationship with him if I am left out of big decisions? Why do I even work then? If I can't control his thoughts and actions and stuff, then how do I make this work?

• C:  husband paid contractor $16k
• T:  I work all the time but don't get to enjoy my money
• F:  resentful
• A:  Look at his other spending. Compare to mine. Nit pick all the other stuff he does. Seethe and ruminate about it. Hold a grudge. Silent treatment with him.
• R:  I stay upset with him?

Response: 

• Ok Friend, let's start by answering your own questions: (If you don't know, just answer as if you did know)
  • How can you been in a loving relationship with him if you are left out of big decisions?
  • Why do you work?
  • How do you make this work?
  • Use your inner wisdom to answer these. I think it will help you with your awareness around this topic.

Then, let's look at your model:

• C:  husband paid contractor $16k
• T:  I work all the time but don't get to enjoy my money <-this could be split into 2 thoughts. Which one is the one that makes you feel resentful? That you work all the time? Or that you don't get to enjoy your money? consider making both of these models. 
• F:  resentful
• A:  Look at his other spending. Compare to mine. Nit pick all the other stuff he does. Seethe and ruminate about it. Hold a grudge. Silent treatment with him. <-How do you show up with your spending when resentful? How do you show up in your relationship when you're resentful? What are you NOT doing with regards to your spending and your relationship when feeling resentful?
• R:  I stay upset with him? <-The result I see you creating is that you are looking for all the negative evidence that this thought is true. You are taking lots of actions to build a list of negatives about him and money. And you definitely aren't enjoying your money when you feel resentful. 

  Why is it a problem for you if he spends money? How much money is "too much" to spend without talking? Why do you think his action was to spend the money? What does it look like to you to "enjoy your money?" Do you think he likes to "enjoys money" in the same way as you or differently?    

My partners are humans that are just trying to survive. I am a human that is just trying to survive. I cannot control their actions. I can only control my thoughts and actions. I decided that I have to accept that they have relationship and I am not a apart of it. I have to accept that my clinic does not have enough patients for all 3 of us to make our RVUs at this time. I woke up this morning and I was determined to have a good day. I did my morning routine. I got FREE coffee and breakfast from Starbucks. Oh YES. I went to work and took care of the patients I do have. I was kind and friendly to my coworkers. I stayed out in the open. They were kind and friendly to me. I finished my notes before I left for the day. I signed out at the end of the day to the on call doctor. It was my half day and I went on date with my husband that I planned. We had a great time. I was in a good mood when we picked up the kids. We had a good evening. I know everyday won’t be like this day but I can choose to wake up with the thought that I can have a good day.

• C: I am alive today
• T: I can make this a good day
• F: Empowered
• A: choose to be in a good mood, plan things that I enjoy, stay focused on tasks I need to complete, be friendly to those around me, be off when I’m off
• R: amazing day

  Response: 

• WOW!!!!  Look at the power of your thought "I can make this a good day." Holy Cow!  You are really stepping into emotional responsibility with accepting that your partners are human and that they often behave like humans----and that's ok because it doesn't mean anything about you.  Their actions are all about THEIR thoughts. And we can't control those!
• What a great model here. This thought is one you need to practice often! Put it on a sticky note and paste it everywhere! When you have this thought, you create the results you want. You are in control of your life. You are living intentionally. And the best news is, you can choose to think this regularly! You can create an amazing day regularly!
• Yes, you are right, life is always 50/50, so some days you will want to feel upset or not happy about things. That's ok. That balance keeps these amazing days AH-MAZING.
• Where else in life can you create amazing results like this? And what would you need to be thinking?
• Great work Sister. ❤❤❤

I have too much to do this week. It is a week off for me but I have planned too many things and now am overwhelmed. I can't even enjoy my downtime because I am too busy taking care of crap that needs to be done. I don't think anyone understands just how much needs to be done around the house with 3 kids and it all ends up falling on me.  My husband is just oblivious. My staff will probably ask me if I had a wonderful week off, and I know the answer will be no. I just don't know how other people do this and manage it all. I don't know how everything gets done. It's like I need to hire a wife to do all this stuff, but I'm sure I couldn't afford it.

• C:  week off, too many tasks to do
• T:  I don't know how other people get all of this done
• F:  overwhelmed
• A: play on my phone for 3 hours and eat the kid's snacks after bedtime. Procrastinate. Moody to husband.  Dread doing all the things on my list and then it takes forever to start.
• R: I don't get anything done

  Response:   

• Good model! Here's what you need to realize: your to do list goes on the C-line. The items on it are circumstances. They are neutral facts. They are not "too much" until you assign that thought to them. For someone else, they may be easy or they may be hard. Items on a to-do list are always neutral until we assign meaning to them with our brains.
• When we are overwhelmed, it literally will never propel us forward. We retreat. We hide. We procrastinate. It is never a useful emotion.

  If you want to easily complete your to do list, what actions would you need to take? What feeling would drive you to take those actions in regards to your to do list? What could you be thinking about your to do list to feel that way?

• C: to do list items (list them here)
• T:
• F:  ?
• A:
• R:  Complete my to do list easily.

How can you make this easy and fun?  

Do you have recommended for a planner for life. I’m looking for something to help with daily, weekly, monthly and yearly tasks. I used to have one but can’t remember what it’s called.   Response: 

• You can turn to your own wisdom to determine what works best for you, your life, and your goals.  🙂
• What works best with the system you have now?
• What needs improvement?

 

My first job out of residency was great. I walked into a well establised clinic with 5 male partners that really wanted a new young female partner. Everyone was helpful and kind. They wanted to teach me and make sure I succeeded. There was minimal drama or problems in the office. The office was lucretive and ran like a well oiled machine. I learned a lot about medicine and business. I had a waiting list of patients from my 1st day. The L&D charge came to be my nurse and she was amazing. I never worried about having enough patients or RVUs. My salary exceeded my guarantee salary in the first 9 months. I became too busy and the clinic decided to hire 2 new docs at the same time. I felt threatened even though I was actually too busy to spend time with my family. I thought I wanted to give up gyn and apply for MFM fellowship and I did. But I didn't get into fellowship and decided to leave my job anyways. I took a big pay cut and started a job as an OB hospitalist. I did not enjoy this job and I left. Now I am in a clinic that started out as a group of 2. My life was good and my practice was growing. A 3rd doc was hired before I had my first day but she was still in residency. She started 10 months after me. My clinic does not have enough patients for 3 doctors to have a full practice. At this time, I cannot earn enough RVUs to make my salary and my guarantee is up in 7 months. I said all of that to say that I've recently been working on ways to increase my productivity. But I feel like I'm acting out of character. I constantly worried about the productivity or the money. I feel like one the perks of being an employed physician is not having to worry so much about the money. I worry that I will unintentionally change how I practice in order to maximize my RVUs. My family has to eat and we have bills. My husband is a stay at home dad. I have to make enough to pay my bills but when does thinking about money become too much.

• C: I need to make my RVUs to pay my bills
• T: I 'm thinking about money all the time
• F: Greedy
• A: Checking RVUs, making sure I bill everything to the highest level, doing work I don't enjoy, trying to find patients to operate on, angry if I don't have patients, willing to double book, ruminating on the numbers, disliking my partners and feeling threatened by them
• R: Feeling like a greedy bad person

  Response:  Ok, so first, I want you to go back and re-read the thought download and find the facts. Many of these sentences will seem like facts to you, but they are not. Most of them are thoughts. Go back and question each sentence. Because they are almost all thoughts, which is good news, because they are optional! This is also a good way for us to look at what the past really is. The past is a collection of our thoughts about what happened to us. But that's it--our past is just our thoughts. Someone else may remember your first job as not a good job or may think your current job is fantastic. So this is also good, because you can literally decide how you want to feel about it. You can decide that maybe this job is perfect because it's not as busy as your first job. Let's also discuss money beliefs and look at your model.

• C: I need to make my RVUs to pay my bills <-This is technically a thought! 🙂 Theoretically you don't need or have to do anything! It's always a choice, right?  How can we make it more factual? You have bills. You work to pay them. 
• T: I 'm thinking about money all the time <-To dig deeper, ask yourself WHY? and put that answer in a T-line of a model
• F: Greedy <-Is this the emotion you feel? Or are you judging yourself here? I think it could be either, so just check in with yourself!
• A: Checking RVUs, making sure I bill everything to the highest level, doing work I don't enjoy, trying to find patients to operate on, angry if I don't have patients, willing to double book, ruminating on the numbers, disliking my partners and feeling threatened by them <-I'm wondering if these actions are truly coming from this thought...I think it might be a deeper thought driving all of these. If not, no biggie, but check in here.  
• R: Feeling like a greedy bad person <-This is some beating yourself up...I would put beating self up in your A-line and I think the result you create is that you don't take actions that actually make money?  What do you think?

    Money Beliefs:  Start looking at your money beliefs. There are so many we have about money. That we should have a lot, but that no one should know that we have a lot. Often it is modeled to us that doctors should live in doctor houses and drive doctor cars and spend lots of money. Many people think having or wanting more money will make them greedy, terrible people. But money is neutral. It is a social construct that we as a society have decided to adopt to interact with each other. It is a piece of paper that doesn't actually have any real value until we, as a society decided it does. It has no power over us. Many doctors are also insecure about money because we have debt and a late start on earning, so we are relatively new to learning money (whereas many of our peers started learning at age 22-23 right out of college!).

• What were modeled to you about money as a kid or in training?
• Which of these beliefs did you adopt as an adult?
• What amount of money is enough?
• What if money is just a piece of paper or a social construct?
• Why is money important?
• Do you have student loans? If so, what are your beliefs about them?
• What happens if you don't make enough money?
• Then what?
• Then what?
• Do you believe that you could figure out how to make more money if the worst thing happened?
• What if money was fun and easy?

Yesterday I was waiting on a delivery and it was taking a long time. It was a primip with no epidural and I thought she would be able to have a baby relatively quickly. Instead it took over 3 hours of pushing with no epidural and no control from her. Her heart tones were borderline, so I was there almost the whole time. At one point, I decided to go to the lounge and get a water. But the water turned into sweets and a pop. I have been trying to decrease my food buffering and I can see that this was an episode of that. I have been trying to avoid sugar but it was like I just said screw it at the last minute and ate whatever I could to feel better. When I got to the lounge, it was full of guys and no one wanted to talk to me and I felt a little rejected. I think this might be why my plan changed.

• C: walked into lounge to get a water. Lots of men there. I said hi, they didn't say anything.
• T:  I don't fit in here
• F:  rejected
• A: browsed sweets, got a pop and slice of cake. Ate 1/2 piece of cake and drank a few drinks of pop. beat self up a little and stopped.
• R: ???

  Response:  You are gaining some great awareness here!

• C: walked into lounge to get a water. Lots of men there. I said hi, they didn't say anything.
• T:  I don't fit in here
• F:  rejected
• A: browsed sweets, got a pop and slice of cake. Ate 1/2 piece of cake and drank a few drinks of pop. beat self up a little and stopped. <-what did you do in regards to the other people? what did you not do in regards to other people? Did you talk to them? Did you retreat inward? 
• R: ??? <- When you take those actions, what result does it create for you in regards to fitting in?

What if you weren't being rejected? What if you were? What's so bad about feeling rejection? Answer these questions and bring this back!

My dig deeper questions: How do you know your new partner doesn't like you? Is it possible that she does? Is it possible that she finds it hard to make new relationships? I still feel like our personalities are not compatible. I think we have very different views on life and what’s acceptable behavior. I have a hard time being around her without feeling angry or upset. Sometimes she’s not doing anything but talking to my other partner and it makes want to be in another room. I’ve been staying in my office a lot to avoid everyone. I feel like the only person I can trust in the clinic is my nurse. Have you ever been wrong about someone and then end up like them? Yes I have. But it’s rare. I don’t usually have a hard time working with people, even people I don’t feel compatible with. I’m not quick to judge other people. I’ve been working on this relationship since August and it’s worse. I’m getting to the point where I feel like should accept that we will never be “friends or good coworkers”. I should strive towards tolerance and be done. Thinking this way may serve as a protective mechanism for your brain. How does this thought protect you? How might a new thought serve you better? I think my thought is making me exclude myself before I get rejected. I’ve had to deal with rejection in the past and it’s not fun. How do you want to feel about 2 vs 3 people in your group? How do you want to feel towards your partners? How would you act if you felt that way? What thought would help you feel that feeling? As you know, I don’t think we have enough patients to support 3 people. The call is better with 3 people. I want to have a good working relationship with them. I be grateful that I have partners to take care of my patients when I’m need to be off. In the ideal world we would all get along, hangout outside of work and take care of each other’s patients. We would never come in when we are not on call and have wonderful work life balance. If I felt this way then I probably wouldn’t be hiding in my office. I would feel supported and I would support them. The thought that we are a team.     Response:  So what I want you to realize is that your thinking is preventing you from being a team! When you think "the only person in my clinic I can trust is my nurse", OF COURSE you aren't going to feel like you are having a good team dynamic!  When you say "Our personalities are not compatible" you think you are telling me a fact. Like it's just how things are. But this is a thought too. "Sometimes I have a hard time being around her without being angry or upset." This is not a fact either! This is just a thought in your brain.  And while you may find it harder to manage your mind around her, she is not the cause of your anger or the reason you are upset. It is your thinking about her. It is your thoughts about how she is only talking to your partner. Or your thoughts about her personality vs. yours. The meaning your brain assigns to her actions is causing your anger. She is neutral until your brain assigns a meaning to her or her actions. She is just there, saying words. I know this is neutral because someone else interpreting the interaction wouldn't feel angry. So what are you making it mean ABOUT YOU when she says words to your partner but no words to you? Are you rejecting her so she can't reject you? Why?

I have a new partner at work. I was in a 2 person group and now we are a 3 person group. I had a great working relationship with my original partner. We would scrub our c-sections together and all of gyn cases. We would bounce ideas off of each other and the clinic was a pleasant place to be. We have compatible personalities. My new partner and I are not very compatible. We don’t bounce ideas off of each other. Our relationship feels very competitive. She has an aggressive personality and I do not. Now my 2 partners seem to be getting along very well and I’m left out. My relationship with my original partner has deteriorated. There is tension in the clinic. I feel frustrated every time I see them together.  

• C: My partners have a work relationship
• T: I can’t be apart of the relationship because my new partner doesn’t like me
• F: lonely
• A: avoid being in the nurse’s station, never ask anyone else’s opinion on complicated patients, think about how I’m left out at night instead of sleeping, leave work at lunch time everyday even if I sit in an empty house and eat alone
• R: I am alone

  Response: First off, you have some good awareness with your model!  I want you to go back and look at your thought download and underline all the facts. I want you to know that most of these are thoughts, which means they are all optional. They are how your brain is interpreting your new office dynamic. The key here is knowing that no matter what your partners do together, you have a choice in how you interpret it. Lets tune up your model a little:

• C: My partners have a work relationship What is a work relationship? Let's simplify this with just facts, like C: I was in a 2 person group, now we are a 3 person group. 
• T: I can’t be apart of the relationship because my new partner doesn’t like me.
• F: lonely
• A: avoid being in the nurse’s station, never ask anyone else’s opinion on complicated patients, think about how I’m left out at night instead of sleeping, leave work at lunch time everyday even if I sit in an empty house and eat alone
• R: I am alone Exactly--essentially you are isolating yourself with this thought "I can't be a part of the relationship because my new partner doesn't like me." 

So look at it this way. Your brain is interpreting the fact that you were in a 2 person group and now are a 3 person group with this thought. That is the meaning your brain is assigning that fact. It doesn't mean that this thought is true. But when you think it, you essentially isolate yourself and cause your thought to become true (not on purpose of course). What if you are loved by them and this is not the case at all? Byron Katie says "When I walk into a room, everyone loves me. They just may not realize it yet." Remember too that our relationships are only our thoughts about the other people. So when you think "I can't be a part of the relationship because my new partner doesn't like me," then OF COURSE your relationship is not going to be positive.

When we have the thought that we’re being left out and we believe that thought, the result is that we will create and find situations where we are left out.

When we practice a thought like, “I find inclusion wherever I go”, you create the inclusivity you seek.

The only difference is a thought.

Questions to dig deeper:

• How do you know your new partner doesn't like you? Is it possible that she does? Is it possible that she finds it hard to make new relationships?
• Have you ever been wrong about someone and then end up like them?
• Thinking this way may serve as a protective mechanism for your brain. How does this thought protect you? How might a new thought serve you better?
• How do you want to feel about 2 vs 3 people in your group? How do you want to feel towards your partners? How would you act if you felt that way? What thought would help you feel that feeling?

Yeah, I can see that maybe I don't have all the info. You may be right. I definitely had a lot of upset thoughts. It's amazing how even a night's sleep made this less of a big deal too. Here is the model I made and used today, and it worked!!!!!!!!! I did have an AWESOME day.

• C: Manager sent my scheduler to front desk
• T: I'm going to make today awesome, no matter what.
• F: Empowered.
• A: I show up ready to go. I chart as I go. I don't whine or vent to people. I am showing up as the best version of me to my patients. I run close to schedule. I go home and enjoy my evening with my family. I don't buffer.
• R: My day is AWESOME.

This work is so life changing sometimes!!!!  Thanks!!

• Response: 

Yay! Great job on this model and finding a thought that is true and believable for you that really empowered you!! YOU created your AWESOME day! And you are creating amazing results in your life by showing up and sticking with this work!  When I find a thought that really helps me, I like to save it for later or put it on the lock screen of my phone or on a sticky note where I will see it often. If you practice this thought daily, soon it is wired as your default setting! Keep up the good work Sister!😘😊❤💕

I have had my foster daughter for a year now, and the case is heading towards termination of parental rights sadly. My issue is that tomorrow is a big meeting with parents, attorneys, DHS, and District Attorney. This little girl has suffered so much trauma and neglect, and I have so much anger towards her bio parents for it. However, I am DREADING having to get up in front of all these people to tell them why it would be in foster daughter’s best interest to not be with bio family. It sounds ridiculous, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I am just so confused as to why I care about their feelings at all. Even if it’s someone I hate I do not want to cause them pain. I am definitely struggling with the model on this one so not sure how to even get to an intentional one:

• C: Having to say words at meeting tomorrow
• T: I don’t want to hurt their feelings
• F: fear?
• A: ?
• R:

    Response:

• When it is difficult for you to fill out a model, it is always best to dig deeper into the thoughts first.  I sometimes start by asking "5 Why's."
• Why don't you want to hurt their feelings tomorrow? What does that mean to hurt their feelings? What would that look like?  If you don't know, then guess or answer with what you think it would be if you did know.
• Can you truly hurt their feelings? You don't have mind control over them, so you can't make them think negative thoughts and feel negatively. Only they can do that. And the same goes for you. They can't hurt your feelings either if you show up in emotional adulthood.
• What words do you envision saying? How would you need to feel to say those words? And what do you envision is the response from them? What if they respond in the opposite way? What if they respond in the way you fear? What will happen then? Your primitive brain has made a big scary story for how this could go. Reassure it that we are only dealing with words tomorrow. And words are always neutral, not dangerous.
• What if they have hurt feelings no matter what you say? Or what if they have intense emotions no matter what you say? I would wager that they will feel intense emotions at this meeting due to their thoughts about the topic, whether you say words or not. Or maybe they won't. We can never predict what another human's thoughts are or what their feelings/actions will be. Humans are allowed to be humans, and they are likely to behave like humans tomorrow.
• If their feelings are hurt, that's about them. If they get upset, that's about them. If they hate you, that's about them. It's always about them and their thoughts. And we can always let them be wrong about us. Because we have our own back, and you know you are doing amazing things here.

My manager sucks. She never helps me and only helps the other people. When I tell her I need help, she acts like I am a bother. We recently had a front desk issue where we were down to only 1 (from 3) and she wanted my personal scheduler to go work at the front, even though I had the most patients that day. She didn't even ask any of the docs that were in surgery if their schedulers could help. She just took mine and made the day completely horrible. I just feel like she always manages to help the other doctors in my clinic, but not me. It's like I am the bothersome stepchild. It's just so frustrating to not be appreciated and to not be set up for success like the others.

• C: Manager sent my scheduler to work the front desk and didn't ask the others that weren't busy.
• T:  She made my day horrible.
• F:  angry
• A:  Mad during clinic and easily frustrated. Seething/stewing in my office. Complain to my MA and vent to friend on the phone. Ran behind and got home late. Charts unsigned. Went home and drank 3 glasses of wine while cooking dinner (not planned). Complained to husband. Ruminated all evening long. Scrolled my phone mindlessly trying to escape being mad.
• R: She ruined the day and night

  Response:  Great thought download and model! Your brain has definitely offered a lot of thoughts here. Go back and notice which are thoughts and which are facts. I bet there aren't many facts here. Which is good, because we can work on our thoughts if we choose to. I love all of the actions!! The more actions on the A line the better. I have a few suggestions to clean it up though:

• C: Manager sent my scheduler to work the front desk and not the others <-Busy is a descriptive word/thought, I will take it out to make this more neutral.
• T:  She made my day horrible. Nice and concise-good!
• F:  angry
• A:  Mad during clinic and easily frustrated. Seething/stewing in my office. Complain to my MA and vent to friend on the phone. Ran behind and got home late. Charts unsigned. Went home and drank 3 glasses of wine while cooking dinner (not planned). Complained to husband. Ruminated all evening long. Scrolled my phone mindlessly trying to escape being mad. THIS IS EXCELLENT-all of these are really painting the picture of what you did from that place of anger.
• R: She ruined the day and night <-So we need to change this. Another person can never be in your result line because we don't know what their result is. Her result is in her model. I think the result line is  R:"I made my day horrible."   

All of the actions you took when you were angry were what produced a "horrible day," not your manager. When we are stuck in a place of emotional childhood, we blame others for how we feel. But we know that how we feel comes from our thoughts. When we feel angry, often we are conditioned to look for someone or something to blame-that's just how we were raised sometimes. But realize here that the manager did not make your day horrible. The thought "She made my day horrible" did.

• When you were thinking this, were you being super efficient in clinic? Were you helping the situation with this thought? Was it serving you?
• What if the manager had information you didn't have? What if the other schedulers had an appointment? What if she knows that your scheduler is the best and needed her help? We don't usually have all of the information when things like this occur.

Let's look at an intentional model. Starting with a result, what actions could you take to make the day good if this were to happen again tomorrow? How would you need to show up to make your day awesome? What would you then need to feel to take those actions (My favorites are: Unstoppable, Empowered, Badass).  What thought could you think that would make you feel that way (try on a few until one sticks)

• C: Manager sent my scheduler to front desk
• T: ?
• F: ?
• A: ?
• R:  My day is good.

Bring this back if you need help!  ❤💕 You've got this!  

I think my fear is if she talks like this to me she obviously feels like I am “less than” like it’s some sort of competition. And I’ll be honest, it wasn’t any actual sentence she said, just the tone of her voice and suggesting ways I should manage my staff (staff members whom I absolutely love and have no issues with). But if she sees me as less than, my fear is that my supervisor will see me in that same way and I will get passed over for promotions. This colleague is not above me, but is close to our supervisor as am I. What did I make this mean about me? Think it’s more the issue of competition. I want to be the best but I can’t if she thinks she is the best! 😂 However I can see this is just my silly brain offering some weird feelings on this....

• Response: 

Yeah, so your brain is definitely offering several thoughts about the conversation!

• Original model:
• C: conversation with colleague
• T: how dare she talk like she is above me!
• F: angry
• A: vent to staff, vent to others, scroll social media trying to forget the conversation
• R: staff sees me as gossiper? Less productive day. Negative relationship with this work friend in the future

Also:

• C: conversation with colleague
• T: if she talks like this to me she obviously feels like I am “less than”
• F:
• A:
• R:

And:

• C:
• T: my supervisor will see me in that same way and I will get passed over for promotions
• F: ?scarcity?
• A: ??compare and despair, compete, vent to others so they will see she is worse than you??
• R: I get passed over for promotion

So, just to put it out there, someone's tone of voice is always a circumstance. It is neutral. It is not the cause of your anger, right?? (NO, it's your THOUGHTS about it!!). Are you less than? NO. You are amazing the way you are. But thinking this way  makes you show up as less than you would like as a good employee and as a good boss to your staff.  These competitive thoughts are coming from a place of scarcity, which puts you in the mindset where you compare yourself to others and worry that you will get passed over for opportunities.  What if you both were the best? What if you both got promotions? What if there are enough opportunities for both of you? How would you show up then?  When you are in this mindset, you aren't showing up how you want, and this could result in you getting passed over. Fill out these Models I started for you with these T-lines (put your own feelings and such in if mine aren't feeling right).  How would you approach her from a place of love and support instead? What if she isn't your competition? What if loving and supporting her like you do your other staff is the way to get a promotion? Could she have been trying to help? Could she have been confused?  You may even play with putting "I get promotion" in R line and address how you need to act towards this colleague in the A line to achieve that (with the other actions you would need).

Last week, I got in a fight with my husband. We both said some pretty hurtful things. It was about how he spoke to my daughter. I called him out on it, then he got mad and said he would fucking parent how he wanted in front of her. He stormed off and left me an my daughter just standing there in shock. Then I had to calm her down because she was upset. I was so mad that he did that in front of her that I later told him that he will never do that again or I will leave him. I didn't really mean that, but wanted to scare him I guess.

• C: Got in fight with husband, he yelled and cussed and treated daughter badly
• T: How dare he talk to us like that
• F: Rage
• A: Threaten to leave him. Stewed all weekend. Gave him cold shoulder with interactions. Buffer with chocolate that night. Perseverate on how awful he was. Think of ways to "punish" him or what he should do to make it up to me.
• R: I am mad all weekend

Thanks!

• Response: 

Ok, so the first thing I think is helpful is to always start with the C-line and make it neutral, because circumstances are ALWAYS neutral until our brain assigns them meaning with our thoughts. So, maybe consider changing it to "Husband said words" or even putting the quote of exactly what he said there. "Treated daughter badly" is how your brain interpreted these events and is not a fact, but actually another thought.

• C: Husband said words to me in front of daughter. <-- Keep it neutral!
• T: How dare he talk to us like that
• F: Rage
• A: Threaten to leave him. Stewed all weekend. Gave him cold shoulder with interactions. Buffer with chocolate that night. Perseverate on how awful he was. Think of ways to "punish" him or what he should do to make it up to me.
• R: I treat him the same way. <- I think this is the real result! Yes, you probably did have a weekend of intense emotions, but also realize that you created the same result that he did here. 

What I want you to realize here is that it is NOT what your husband said or did that caused your feelings of rage and taking all of these actions. Even though it may seem that he is the cause of you being mad all weekend, it is actually just your thoughts about "husband said words."  It may be difficult to see that his words were neutral, and they may not feel that way for you right now, but they truly are. Would you prefer he didn't say those words? Maybe. But him saying words means nothing until your brain interprets it as "hurtful" or not positive. Humans are allowed to be humans and think/feel/act how they want. We can make requests, but we can also interpret this from a place of emotional adulthood. Remember, he doesn't have mind control powers, so he can't hurt your feelings or cause your feelings--only your thoughts can. And great news--you can work on those if you decide to! Try thinking about these:

• Sometimes, I get frustrated with parenting too. 
• All of us parents struggle sometimes. 
• Just like me, he yells sometimes when he is frustrated.

Go have a look at the relationship module and start working through it. I think it'll really help. Bring this back here to keep working on it! Sending love Sister! ❤💕

So today at work I had a really weird confrontation with a colleague who I normally get along with really well. The conversation left me fuming and I really haven’t been able to shake it all day. I keep replaying what was said and the tone she was using. I feel like she was talking down to me in a condescending way and trying to tell me how I should do my job, which I know is just my perception of the conversation but I truly believe she was trying to prove how she was somehow better than me! I did a model on it, but not sure where to go from here.

• C: conversation with colleague
• T: how dare she talk like she is above me!
• F: angry
• A: vent to staff, vent to others, scroll social media trying to forget the conversation
• R: staff sees me as gossiper? Less productive day. Negative relationship with this work friend in the future

 

• Response: 

Good job on this model! Your brain definitely interpreted this conversation as one that was offensive apparently, but what were the exact words she said that garnered that response/thought? Maybe put the exact quote in the C-line so we can be more clear. But it sounds like she said words that made your brain go into angry thoughts, like this one, and to take all the actions of venting and scrolling to escape. It sounds like the result might be that you don't show up in a way that you want with your staff. Questions to get curious with:

• Why would it be a problem for you if she talks like she is above you? Is she above you?
• What did you make it mean about you when she said words to you? Why?

Let me know what you find Sister!